dear pooper

Dear fellow 5th floor pooper,

It is a well known fact that you always leave your newspaper in the restroom.  Since you are obviously able to walk in with a newspaper in hand, I can only assume this is done as a courtesy to your co-workers and not as a means to avoid embarrassment whilst walking out with one.

I just wanted to say thank you.  I do appreciate having something to read while I visit your floor's restroom.

The purpose of this short letter is to encourage you to read something other than the sport's section.  I personally would rather sing to fill the time than read the latest in sports.   Perhaps you've heard my recent rendition of "I'm poop'n", a parody of Jerry Lee Lewis' song, "I'm Walkin'"?

I will admit that I'm too cheap to purchase a paper for a few minutes of reading each day, but that I am also not above demanding you leave us better materials.

Think of this as a request to do something nice for those who have to hear me sing and squeeze one out.

A thankful but agitated pooper,

Daniel

stuffies

I want to curl up in a blanket on the couch and nom nom nom on comfort food.

like... a stuffed crust cheese pizza.

mmm.

 

i wish.

sick

i'm dying.

i woke up with sneezing fits and haven't stopped coughing or blowing my nose since.

my work trashcan is already half full of tissues.

why is no one babying me?  i'm a pretty pretty princess, damnit!

i just want to go home and pop on lifetime... seems like the thing to do. 

why fat sucks #1: princess jammies

Disney© Princess Flannel Pajama Set

 

Reason #1 why being fat sucks... 

I can't buy these children's princess jammies.  Now if I was a skinnybitch I could probably squeeze into these suckers.

i like doing my own thing

I enjoy doing my own thing more times that not.  I don't like being nagged and I definitely don't like constantly being asked what I'm doing or where I'm going.  I'm very independent and that's how I like things. 

Whenever I try to do my own thing, people harass me to try and do stuff and act like their lives just aren't complete without me going along. That's when I snapped a few minutes ago while being begged to go to lunch.

"I CAN'T FIX YOUR LIVES, OKAY!?"

Malcolm said that was a blog post right there, damn right it was :)

the sad thing

 

The sad thing is that I'm so not hungry now after all that stuff I had this morning.

But lets face it, we all know I'm gonna mow the whole thing anyways.

*hangs head in shame*

fat-tastic

Today I walked in and found a croissant on my desk.  Malcolm walked up and told me that they had a free latte bar downstairs and muffins/croissants/etc waiting.  The barista chick was laughing at me because I already took like 5 mugs of lattes from her so far.

For lunch we are being treated to BBQ as I had mentioned yesterday.  There is a half a rack of ribs coming to my desk in a half hour.

As Malcolm says, this place is fat-tastic.  Although I may switch it to fatty-tastic or fatty-rific, because I like saying 'fatty'.

free lunch tomorrow

so tomorrow we're getting a free lunch from the outpost and we're supposed look over the menu and put our order on the list, but not go overboard on price.

Me:  *shouting*  Can I have ribs??
Malcolm's boss: How much is it?
Me: $12!!
Malcolm's boss: Permission granted.

....

Me: Can I have the 4lb family feast??

And the office laughs.... I need to remember to aim high and work my way down :P

shopping itch

In last few days I've had this horrible itch to shop and buy expensive things.

There's just so much out there lately that I want right!

But the checking account say NO.

So I must say sorry to those new shoes, sorry new laptop, sorry camera lenses, sorry new gadgets... sorry sorry sorry to all my wants.

I will pine for you all my days...   :P~

its a crappy day

Overslept

running late

No time to buy latte

no parking spots in garage

email is overflowing with issues

and when I get to the kitchen at work I see this.

Does it get any worse?

 

I really need a present today.

jabba exists

So the other day my passport arrived.  It proved to be as horrible as I had anticipated.  As soon as I opened the little booklet I slammed it shut, put it back in the envelope it came in and tucked it away in my man bag.

I'm just going to pretend it doesn't exist for a while.

If and when I decide it does exist, it'll be a private little joke between the boarder guard and I.

Don't ask about it, it does not exist, nor will it ever.

im funny - training

Malcolm: DrunkenMaster says: Daniels Blog is comedy gold
Me: drunken master?
Malcolm: Tim
Me: lol
Me: it's comedy gold, eh?
Malcolm: kind of like a golden shower but funnier

 

So... I guess my coworkers find my blog amusing at least.

In other news, I spent all morning in introductory training where they tell us about the company we've been working for.  At one point I was late returning from a break by like a whole minute and was pointed out and told I'd have to sing and dance for the group.   I prepared to sing "I'm a little teapot", however twinkle twinkle was requested during a demonstration.

The rest of the time I spent grinding my teeth and wanting to cut a b*tch for talking constantly through the whole thing.  granted it was very relaxing, but seriously, take a breath.  At least I sat next to Nate who gave enough distraction for me not to act on any impulses.

Malcolm is a jackass

So Malcolm got a gift card from work for cost co.  He dangled it in front of me knowing that I'd want it.  So I grab for it and he rips it away.

"GIMME!", I say.

He said no an that it was his.

"But I Waaaaant it."  *pouty face*

He walks away.

"jackass..." I mutter under my breath.

"What?!"

Does he not realize I always get what I want.   What's wrong with him.  hrmph!

whoever

Whoever buys me one of these massage chairs will have my loves forever.  totally cerial :P

 

Eggplant chair from sharper image...
http://www.sharperimage.com/us/en/catalog/product/sku__HW573ORN

 

or the one on my wish list...

roadside bitterness

Dear reader,

Have I ever mentioned that I am not mechanically inclined in any way?  No?  Well let me tell you about last Thursday night.

I had recently opened an account with BECU and needed to make a deposit to the account so it wouldn't be closed right away.  Armed with a check I headed to an ATM on the way home with was a mile past my house. Not two blocks from the ATM I hit an enormous pot hole and begin hearing a hissing sound.  At first I was like "it's raining out, why is someone using a sprinkler?"  And then it dawned on me shortly after the grinding sound began to occur that my tire was flat. 

I rolled into the parking lot of a 7-eleven and looked at what I did.

I never changed a tire on a car and really wished my first time wasn't in the rain, but whatever, I'll give it my best shot.  I took off the hub cap and loosened the tire before raising it... all as my user manual told me to do (yes, I'm that useless when it comes to cars).

I began raising the car with the jack.  It was so hard it was taking all my effort to turn the crappy little jack's crank.  And then I heard a rip.   Yes, dear reader, I totally split my jeans wide open and my ass was hanging out for the world to see.  I wrapped a jacket around my waist and continued.

I took the tire off....  rolled the spare to the front of the car and began rolling the slat the back when heard a horrible noise clunk.

Yep, the jack broke and my car fell pinning the spare.  I told myself right then if the spare was punctured I'd scream and then probably cry.  Walking back it appeared to be fine but there was no way to be sure until I got the car up again.

I called Malcolm and asked if he could bring the jack from his car.   A bit later he shows up and I try lifting the car as hard as I could so that he could get the jack under the car.  Took a bit of work but we got it.

So Malcolm works on jacking the car up and gets it to the point where I can almost get the new tire on....when, of course, his jack bends in half and the car is back on the ground.  I guess it was too much of an angle.

And then, I wanted to cry.

After a few calls the tow guy shows up and uses several jacks to get my car off the ground and puts the tire on for me.

The lesson learned... if your not mechanically inclined then save your time, effort and pants and call the tow guy.

the end.

and the monkey pushes the button

I am a friggin' monkey today.

Repetitive tedious work.  Copy, paste...copy, paste, copy...paste.

at least i have my headsets on and can zone through almost all of it.

i miss having an evil minion to pass this crap too.